NBA Finals Preview

BROCK
Should be a good one. I go Lakers in 7. Stunned Chowder-heads watch as Ronny Turiaf, due to Gasol foul out, dunks the game winner at the buzzer only to explode with enthusiasm seconds afterwards.


MAXWELL
Lakers in 5. Doc Rivers arrested before the deciding game after trying to exhume Dennis Johnson's corpse in a last gasp desperation move to find someone more alive than Sam Cassell to replace Rondo, who got injured in game 3 after that big ass head finally falls of his tiny neck.

Kobe will rip in game 1 and 2, then for some reason, score only 8 points in game 3 (familiar?), which the lakers will lose 99-73. Then he'll just take over the motherfucking series in 4 and 5.

Garnett will be on the unemployment line with his choker buddy Flip by August (that is in no way a validation or defense of the equally bronchially challenged Piston players). His heart wont be questioned, as usual, but his lack of temerity will finally be exposed.

Paul Pierce will start binge eating to cope, join forces with his old buddy 'Toine, and enter the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championships this summer at Coney Island, only to lose to Charlie Wies.

Radmanovic will finally quit smoking.

Gasol will start dating Rachel Hunter, while Sean Avery will be heard screaming "how's my dick taste!?!?" The bright lights and shit talkers of LA will ruin the poor bastard. He'll end up managing a Baja Fresh in 3 years.

Phil Jackson will finally retire, get divorced, sue Jenny for alimony, reach NIrvana and ask Kurt Cobain how the heroin is up there...because his kid wont stop asking.

Dainne Cannon will die before game 5, and Jack will wear a bra with large water balloons in them to show his respect. And class.

The Laker girls will award the players with fellatio. I'm just wondering where the line starts.

East Asians Discover Chic

I miss the old stereotypes.

The mathematician, the engineer, the poorly grown mustache and a closet full of hardly stylish clothing a decade behind the times. But what's this now? Irony is posh meets the East Asian American community? I suppose it was only a matter of time until the insatiable American virus known as assimilation consumed yet another group of people.

Mind you, the seemingly ethnically insensitive language here is admittedly ironic, or meta ironic, but as a person of East-Asian descent, raised under a quasi-Japanese paradigm I reserve the right to be a hypocrite. Or just an asshole. But I suppose neither is a right. The cold hard anecdotal facts: East Asian women have consistently styled themselves on par with the rest of American chic. Due in large part, to the over objectification of women, not only in American culture, but global commercial culture.

East-Asian men on the other hand, have warded off the forces of cultural/stylistic assimilation by merit of 2 factors (in my most humble of hypothesis of course)

1. "I shouldn't mess with that kid, he's Asian...I should treat ethnic minorities with respect and decency as to not be seen as a racist bungholio. Also, he might know kung-fu or karate and might be able to kick my ass." (Thank you Bruce Lee)
2. "Harmless, and good for the economy."

But as interactive mediums, chiefly the Internet has led to the mass diffusion and compartmentalization of culture, the solidarity of the East Asian American identity (at least in the midwest) has also fallen subject to the same diffusion. We've seen the Asian fraternities, and celebrities becoming more and more prominent in popular culture. Now we're seeing a new class of Asian, focused on more than just staying clean, or just having something from Old Navy on their backs.

Oh well, we'll just have to see whether this douche baggery will turn East Asian-Americans further into "the office."